Grandmother's Role And Emotions
When A Grandchild is Ill
Valerie Kay, Psy.D.
A child's serious illness is like a pebble dropped into a pool of water,
forming concentric circles that spread far beyond the center. The child
is the center; the parents, the next ring; and grandmother, a third ring.
The parents are the primary decision makers for their child. Grandmother
has to accept this, no matter how much she might like to have more involvment
in decision making. It is frustrating to feel that her greater experience
and wisdom are not always welcome. But she recognizes that her role, instead,
is to empower and nurture the sick child’s parents, while also administering
love and care for the grandchild.
It is a time of great tension and turmoil that exacerbates whatever tensions already exist in any relationship between a parent and adult children. As an elder, the grandmother's role is to be mindful of this. Despite her own anxieties and fears, she must try not to take personally the anger sometimes directed at her by the worried parents of the sick child. She knows they have nowhere else to direct it and, fair or not, she is a safe target because they know her love for them is secure. She recognizes she must do what she can to be helpful without being a hinderance. But grandmothers are human and have human emotions. She's frightened, too, and can't always be strong, understanding and patient. This, also, is important for her to acknowledge.
Lydia is the grandmother of a very sick child. Sometimes she feels overwhelmed
by her grandchild's illness. Her precious grandchild is seriously ill. The
whole family worries and at times everyone experiences a sense of powerlessness.
There are times when Lydia feels as if she is walking on a tightrope, as
she tries to cope with her own emotions, the emotions of her adult child
and the needs of her sick grandchild.
Although it is not a rational response, she thinks that as an older person
who has lived a full life she would willingly sacrifice her own life if it
could protect the life of this innocent child. The overwhelming desire to
protect her from the disease and from anything that would threaten this vulnerable
child’s health any further makes her feel helpless, even as she knows it
is impossible.
Accustomed to speaking her mind, Lydia is torn between expressing her own
wisdom and sensing what the child's parents are willing to hear. She has
opinions that include candor with the medical providers and attitudes about
traditional and complimentary medicine. However, she feels she must suppress
her own voice because she doesn’t want to add to an already stressed and
tense family situation. Lydia knows that her role in this family situation
lies in a more outward ring of circles, after the young child's parents.
When Lydia is given an opportunity to vent her frustration in her sessions
with her life coach, she explains that she wants more information than the
parents feel they are ready to absorb. This grandmother feels that because
she has lived longer than her adult children, she has had much more experience
with grief and issues of death. She feels that she needs to be prepared both
for a healing and also a possible outcome that her adult children are not
able to consider. Lydia understands and respects that her grandchild’s parents
can only envision recovery; she knows,also, that her primary focus is, and
must be, on recovery and healing.
Lydia earnestly explains, “I believe the grandmother’s role is to empower
and nuture the family. The young parents' job is to take care of their children”.
She adds that she doesn’t want to come across as a “know-it-all”. Yet she
feels frustrated because she can see issues that escape the sleep-deprived,
preoccupied parents. She has learned to express her opinions and to question
medical authorities. She says, “Aging sometimes gives confidence in one’s
wisdom. I don’t have to have a medical degree to know that asking questions
politely, yet firmly, should not be threatening to the doctors.”
But she knows her adult children may not have the same opinion, nor do they
have “my perspective; they are too close to the forest to see the trees.
So I help in whatever way they can accept. I am happy to cook for the family.
I can do the on-line research they don't have time to do. I can care for
the other children and help them not to feel neglected, with so much attention
directed to the sick child. I can be a calming presence to my grandchild
when she's frightened by medical procedures that frighten her parents, too.
This gives me something useful and helpful to do. I may be the third ring
of the circle, but it's important, too. It surrounds and contains the first
two rings."
Lydia credits the help and support she has received from her coach for strengthening
her sense of maturity and stability. She knows that an illness creates additional
stress on a family. She admits her wish for more control over the whole situation;
with good humor she acknowledges that this is “wishful thinking”. She admits
that the yo-yo emotions are hard for everyone.
Laughingly, Lydia confides that sometimes, when she hasn’t heard from her
adult children, she creates scenarios of doom in her head in the absence
of the most recent information. She adds that sometimes the adult children
demand what she feels is excessive attention from her. She admits that on
occasions she feels both pushed and pulled by her children. Her husband,
George, points out to her that, of course, there are times when she is not
even on her children’s radar. Gently, he reminds her that her children have
too much that occupies their minds. Sometimes he strikes a chord when he
points out the message she sends to her adult children: that she is strong,
independent and capable of taking care of herself. She rarely allows her
vulnerability to be seen by her offspring. However, now the family is facing
a major crisis and she is using too much energy to keep her feelings suppressed.
George is not the biological father or grandfather of her children and grandchildren;
he has never had children of his own. Lydia and George have been married
eight years. He enjoys a respectful and healthy relationship with Lydia’s
three adult children. He is kind and playful with the grandchildren. Nonetheless,
Lydia feels he cannot possibly really understand her feelings. In moments
of her despair, she frets that she can barely understand her own feelings.
She nods in agreement with George that it might be next to impossible for
anyone else to understand what she feels.
One evening Lydia and George watched a television documentary on the high
incidence of infections and errors that occur in hospitals, which was followed
by a news report about the increased episodes of West Nile Virus. Her anxiety
increased by the television news, Lydia said, "Oh, I wish I could wrap
her safely in a bubble to protect her from all the dangers that surround
her." George’s attempt to calm her only fueled her sense that he is
not a mother and these are not his biological children. As her worries and
anxieties increase, Lydia feels even more helpless and inadequate. When this
occurs, she is learning to do what she can do, instead of focusing
on what she can’t do. She is also learning to ask George for assistance instead
of making him the scapegoat for her frustrations.
Lydia is making strides in taking one day at a time. She acknowledges that
although she has invested years in becoming more self-aware, she often forgets
that she needs to allow time for some things to work out. She says that while
she fears what this illness is doing to her precious grandchild’s body, she
also knows everyone is doing the best they can. In addition to helping the
parents, she will also continue to encourage the sick child’s highest dreams
for the future.
Above all, Lydia is recognizing the importance of having a place of her own
where she can freely express her real, often contradictory, emotions, without
judgment. Although it doesn't come easily to her, she needs to allow others
to be there for her and to ask for their help. Just as her children need
this of her, so she needs it herself in order to continue to give this to
them for as long as it's required.
One of Dr. Kay's areas of specialization in her coaching
practice is with family members and caregivers of children and adults who are
seriously ill, as well as with individuals with serious and life-threatening
illnesses. Her office is in San Francisco, CA and she is available for phone
consultation within California. She may be reached at (415) 409-1564
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Dr. Kay:
When Grief Overwhelms: Do You Feel Understood?
Communication Between Aging Parents and Adult Children: How A Life Coach Can Help
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