Holiday Blues: Norman Rockwell, Meet my Family

We've all seen the famous Norman Rockwell painting that depicts a holiday family gathering. Grandma, calm and immaculate, places the perfectly baked turkey in front of Grandpa. The family members around the table are laughing and enjoying one another. This image of joy, family fun, love, connectedness, ease , is repeated on every commercial we see on television and in magazines.

We may wonder, what's wrong with my family? Why can't we be at least a bit more like this? We love them, but there's tension when we get together. The same old conflicts play out each holiday season -- obligation, guilt, old resentments. We all have a lifetime of memories of the holiday observances of our families. These memories and the feelings they evoke come flooding back with each new holiday season. Do I want to be with them this year? Do I have to be with them? Can we do it differently this time?

Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Devali, Eid, Winter Solstice.... whatever you celebrate, you're likely to have mixed feelings. Joy, love, good will, good cheer, peace on earth, a sense of bonding with others, spiritual renewal are the prescribed feelings. But we often have feelings of sadness, loneliness, inadequacy, anger, resentment, regret, guilt, stress. How can such negative feelings arise?

But they do. Take sadness, for example. Maybe the scenes of holiday cheer trigger memories of lost loved ones and past holidays when they were here. The sense of loss and grief can dampen even the most joyous of holiday memories and make the season bittersweet.

Or maybe it's an overwhelming feeling of loneliness as one sees holiday scenes of happy people sharing joyful times together. For those who already feel alone, the holiday season can amplify that sense of loneliness.

We know we're expected the view the holidays as a magical time. When this conflict between expected and actual feelings occurs, we might feel we are to blame. "There must be something wrong with me", we tell ourselves. We feel guilty about our true feelings, rather than recognizing that there is often a wide gap between our expectations or hopes and the reality of the holiday season.

One person might work hard to make the holiday celebration a cheerful one, only to wind up resenting the lack of help from loved ones who seem interested only in reaping the rewards of another's hard work. Do you remember the Erma Bombeck holiday television sketch? Erma arises early to put the turkey in the oven and start the cooking. She struggles with heavy cookware and gets out the good china. The family arrives and eventually sits down to eat the turkey that's not quite perfect and not quite on time. After dinner, they carry their plates to the kitchen and, satisfied that they've helped with the chores, they sit down to visit. Then they leave. Erma is in the kitchen late at night, cleaning greasy pots. She says, "Never did one person work so hard for so many to have it over so fast" ....and we know she's thinking "with so little help or recognition."

Or there might be a major gap between the amount of money available to spend on gifts and the expectations of the loved ones who will receive the gifts we can afford to buy. Fearing a sense of inadequacy, we might overspend just to please others. Or we might feel guilt and shame when we are unable to give our loved ones what we see others give to their families.

And when we gather together to celebrate the holidays with loved ones, we might face unresolved family issues and difficult family relationships that threaten to sabotage our hopes for a peaceful holiday celebration.

So many issues. So much stress. No wonder so many people sing the holiday blues. But remember, having some blue feelings at this time is not "pathological" in and of itself. And family difficulties that arise at family gatherings do not mean a family is "dysfunctional". In fact, this very labeling is an example of the unrealistic expectations put upon us to be the Norman Rockwell family.

If you experience the holiday blues this season, we have a few suggestions:

  • Keep holiday plans more simple and realistic
  • Make the holiday about meaningful relationships and not about spending. Make "connection, not commerce" your goal.
  • Share the holiday chores, including preparation and clean up. Let others know what you are capable of accomplishing and what others must do to help make the holiday a manageable and pleasant one. Ask for help. Offer to help.
  • Communicate to your loved ones your expectations and needs, including what doesn't work for you in the family get-togethers. Find out what might not work for them. What might be done about it, so everyone benefits?
  • If you can't be with loved ones during the holidays, consider volunteering to help others. There are many organizations that do charity work during the season. And you would be joining other volunteers who are opening their hearts and giving their services to those who are in need.
  • Express your feelings and concerns about being with your family over the holidays. Talk it over with a friend, family member, or professional. An outside perspective might reveal more options than you can see by yourself. Explore with them how certain things might be changed or handled differently.
  • And, if the sad feelings still prevail, as they unfortunately sometimes do, remember that this holiday season, too, will pass. Have compassion for yourself and for others in the same situation.
  • Most importantly, decide what is important about this holiday for YOU, what meaning YOU want it to have in your life. Create the traditions and rituals that are meaningful for YOU.

From the Integrated Psychology Associates,
Sheridan Adams
Valerie Kay
DeLee Lantz
and Ursula Young

Integrated Psychology Associates (I.P.A.) Offices

Main Office: 2859 Sacramento Street, San Francisco, CA 94115
(Please use this address for general correspondence.)
Main Telephone and Facsimile: (415) 331-5433
(See phone numbers for individual Associates on their pages. Use number above for general questions and for faxes.)
Other Offices:
405 Clement St., Suite 2, San Francisco, CA 94118

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(Additional East Bay offices in Walnut Creek and Oakland, CA)