ANGER MANAGEMENT

Do you manage your anger
or does your anger manage you?

Ursula Young Voigt, Psy.D.

Do you have frequent blowups and wish you didn’t lose control so often?
Are you secretly angry, but afraid to show it?
Do you think your angry feelings are part of your personality and you are stuck with that personality?
You don’t see it as a problem, but someone else wants you to do something about your anger?

Some people sound angry, but are just passionate and talk at a higher volume than most of us. Others are quick to anger, get over it right away and can’t understand why everyone else is still lagging behind. Some of us don’t even realize that we are angry. We just seem to “snap” or have a “meltdown” out of the blue. Others go out of their way to avoid being disagreeable and will do almost anything to keep the peace. We all know anger when we see it. It is uncomfortable. It can get us into trouble. Anger can be a very destructive emotion. It can be dangerous. It is hurtful to others, often for a long time after the anger has passed. Anger damages the angry person just as much as the recipient, if not more. Can you remember being angry about something that happened to you a long time ago? Chances are, the person who caused the anger has forgotten about it, moved on in life, is having a good time while you are still hurting. This other person does not even know you are still angry.

Styles of Anger

When you get angry, do you roar like a lion? Do you charge like a bull? Or are you more like a skunk, making a big stink and running away? Maybe you just seethe in icy silence.
You might not fit into any of these categories, but know some people who do. Most of us can identify other people’s behavior easier than our own, because we often have a variety of angry styles, which cannot be so easily pinpointed. Is anger a problem for you or the people around you?

How useful is anger?

Marsha Linehan and many others who extensively study emotions, differentiates between useful anger and useless anger. She says that anger is a useful emotion in certain situations. For instance, anger is very useful, if you are suddenly cornered by a bear and need to make a lot of noise to chase it away. A rush of anger is useful if you need to move a log that has fallen in front of you and blocked your path. Can you think of other examples that don’t involve a bear or a log when your anger was useful? Can you think of examples when your anger was not so useful?

Hot head, cool head

Most of the time we are called upon to control our emotions and keep a cool head to solve the problems and conflicts that besiege us. Whether we are at work, driving around town, or playing a game, a hot head only makes things worse. Sometimes just noticing how angry you get when you know you should stay calm can make you even angrier. What do you do? Do you pretend to be calm, while inwardly boiling over? How long can you keep this up? Do you stay cool at work and then let off steam at home? Maybe you don’t really see it as a problem, but someone else wants you to do something about it? So many people do not have the ability to let go of their angry feelings once the event is over. They may not even be aware of the destructive aspects of prolonged anger on the physical body, such as the heart, the digestive system, the immune system, and muscle tension.

Anger as uninvited guest

The poet Rumi wrote a poem, called The Guest House, in which he tells us to think of our emotions as guests and invite them in. He counsels us not to judge them as good or bad, but rather to welcome them all with graciousness. He tells us “to be equally grateful for joy or malice, or any of the other feelings that might come in, because they all have been sent to us as important guides on our journey in life.” Rumi counsels us to first of all accept anger without judgment, and then to investigate what we might be able to learn from the experience. For instance, an angry outburst could be seen as a warning signal that we need to pay attention to our health. Looking at anger through the lens of Rumi gives me a moment to pause. I don’t immediately rush in to condemn angry feelings as bad. Instead, I can start by accepting what is and become curious about possible meanings.

How do we manage angry feelings?

It is all well and good to understand anger as an important function, or welcome it in as an important teacher, but what can we do with those angry feelings that hurt other people and damage our own health and well-being?

When clients come to me for anger management, I first want to find out what happened and what they would like to accomplish in therapy. I try to figure out what kinds of problems they encountered when they felt angry. Is the anger more external or more internal? Is the anger related to a specific person, event, or is it a pervasive state of mind?

I use three avenues in treating anger problems. I need to know the circumstances. I will start by finding out what is going on, so I can offer suggestions and tools for managing the unwanted behavior, concentrating on tools you can use right away. I want to start out by dealing with the current problem, then exploring relationship dynamics as well as underlying issues, such as possible origins and patterns. Depending on your situation, I may use a step-by-step process or work in all three areas as needed. I may also give you referrals, if appropriate.

Therapy is a journey of self-discovery and transformation. It takes time, money and effort. Think of it as an investment, jus like any other investment. Most of the big-ticket items you buy tend to deteriorate, need to be repaired, maintained or traded in for a better model. On the other hand, if you decide to invest in yourself, you gain the possibility to feel more at peace, more vibrant and energetic and less troubled.

My three avenues of treatment

The intensity of anger is closely related to how we interpret the situation. The actual event that gets us angry pales in proportion to the story we tell ourselves about it. First, there is the event itself, then comes the story or the meaning about the event. This story is often complicated. It is very personal, filled with history, memories, relationships, beliefs and attitudes. The story becomes as unique and complex as the person involved in the event that sparked the angry response.

1. Getting the story straight:
I try my best to fully understand your particular story about your anger. What is going on in your life? How are you coping? Who are the major players involved? I will want to know if this is a recent issue, or if the anger has been with you for a long time. We’ll look at what you have already tried to remedy the situation, what has been helpful and what sorts of attempts seem to have failed.

2. What can you do right now?
This is the part everyone wants to know: “Is there something I can do right now, or can I take a magic pill to make this thing go away?” I wish it were that simple! However, I do have a variety of approaches I can use that have worked well for others in the past. Once we have come up with a treatment that works specifically for you, changes can happen rather quickly in the desired direction.

3. How to achieve long lasting changes:
While your situation can change rapidly when you implement proven strategies to avoid angry behaviors, you can derive additional benefit by finding out about the underlying causes of your anger. Personal growth and change happens quite naturally when you take the time to fully understand yourself in the context of a supportive therapeutic relationship.

Most of us developed certain beliefs about ourselves in childhood and learned to use coping strategies that were very effective at the time. The following are two extreme examples. A boy, who is constantly yelled at, might develop the belief: “I am bad,” and start acting in an obnoxious manner. His strategy of misbehaving matches his belief about himself and allows him to fit into his idea of the family structure. A girl, who is ignored most of the time by the people she cares about, may develop a belief that nobody notices her. If she only receives attention when she has a temper tantrum, she may learn that she can connect with her loved ones by yelling and screaming.

Most of us move into adulthood unaware of having formed these early beliefs about ourselves. Oddly enough in many cases, these beliefs are still with us. We often use the same strategies that we used as children to get our needs met and wonder why we have such a hard time achieving our goals.

It can be exciting to find out how you arrived at certain beliefs and how they influenced your coping strategies which once were necessary for your survival and no longer seem to work to get you what you want in life. Gaining awareness is also the journey of discovery and transformation.

My policies on working with people for anger management

I work with people who see anger as a problem in their lives and want to do something about it before it gets out of hand.
I do not work with clients who are court- ordered to receive therapy.
I do not work with clients who have a history of violence or have been convicted of violent acts.
I will do my best to provide referrals to other clinicians if needed.

THE GUEST HOUSE

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

The Essential Rumi
Translation by Coleman Barks with John Moyne

I.P.A. Services:

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See other articles by Dr. Voigt:

Couples Communication: Keeping the Honeymoon Alive!

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