Couples Communication: Keeping The Honeymoon Alive!
Ursula Young, Psy.D.

Do any of these sentences sound familiar?

“Everything went well until we decided to have children!”

“I don’t know why he is so messy.”

“Her relatives want to move in with us and I am against it.”

“He wants to move to another town, but I want to stay here.”

 

What I notice most often in my work with couples is that when problems arise, partners often want to blame each other and start working very hard at trying to prove to each other: “I am right and you are wrong.” This is where communication starts to break down.

You thought you were getting along so well until you suddenly notice that your partner has some very annoying habits and you would like to change them immediately! Perhaps you are the kind of person who has already noticed those little irritations and decided to accept them as your partner’s charming quirks. In that case you are ahead of the game. However, you may someday encounter a situation where you will need to have a serious discussion about something you just can’t seem to agree on. It may be about a relative wanting to move in with you, a job promotion in a far off place, religious differences, how to raise the children, or issues related to sex, money, or drugs.

Many couples wait to call a therapist until after they have exhausted all possibilities for a peaceful solution. Unfortunately by then they often feel hurt and disillusioned. If you are feeling that way right now I would like to help you mend the broken fences and get back on track again.

Secrets

If you are just beginning to encounter difficulties in your relationship I would like to teach you some skills to start you out on the right track. Here are two important secrets to improve your communication with your partner. You can master these skills right now with just a little bit of practice. Some people report great benefits from practicing these skills in between sessions and using their therapy hour with me to build a stronger, happier relationship with each other.

Active Listening

Listening to your partner is a skill I teach couples to use before they encounter any problems. There are two types of active listening: silent listening and listening with words. We start out by practicing silent listening first. The drill is for you to listen to each other without saying anything for just one minute each. Once you have mastered that, you can try it for five minutes each. You will not need to do this for the rest of your relationship, only to practice the skill of silent listening. You may want to try this for one week. One partner speaks and the other one listens without distractions. Make eye contact, be present, nod your head, take it all in. Many couples have noticed amazing results from just practicing listening to each other without saying anything!

Next we practice listening with words. This is also very simple. You may want to try it out before you have a disagreement, just for practice. Do the same things you did for silent listening, but now you can say things, like ‘yes,’ ‘go on,’ until you think you understand what your partner has said. Then try to paraphrase what you think you heard and be sure to check to see if you got it right. You may need a few attempts at this. Next, try to imagine what your partner may be feeling and say that to him or her. You don’t have to be a master at this, or be accurate. The point is to make an effort at understanding. Allow yourself to be corrected if you didn’t get it right. Let it sink in.

Here is an example. Partner A says: “I really looked forward to going on that trip.” Partner B, the active listener, says: “You had your heart set on going away. You must be very disappointed.”  Here is another example: Partner A says: “My job is awful. I had one frustration after another all day long.” Partner B, is tempted to say: “Why don’t you get another job,” and wants to make several suggestions, but partner B practices being a good listener and says simply: “You really had a hard day today. You probably feel angry and sad that you have to put up with all that stuff.”

If you still want to give advice or offer helpful suggestions, wait a while until you communicated to your partner that you heard what he or she said and that you understand the problem from your partner’s point of view. The same holds true if you are having a difference of opinion. Before you can state your own point of view, communicate to your partner that you understand where he or she is coming from. That means that you temporarily have to focus on your partner’s side of the argument. You do not have to agree with what your partner says or wants, but you will need to understand your partner’s position in order to communicate effectively.

The second secret in effective couple’s communication is attitude.

Attitude

Picture the following scenario: You see hair in the sink and you think to yourself: “How awful that I have to put up with this mess. I live with someone who just doesn’t care about me! I always have to do everything around here!” How would you feel after entertaining such a train of thought? What kind of attitude would you have?

John Gottman, the famous couples therapist, has an interesting suggestion. He says to look at these small annoyances as evidence that you have someone who loves you in your life whom you love in return. The hair left in the sink is evidence that you are not sad and alone in life. Let’s assume you took that kind of an approach. Would you feel less angry, more accepting? Would your attitude be different?

You can also change your attitude by recalling the many kind things your partner has done for you and by focusing on what you appreciate about him or her.

When you think you have made a successful attitude shift you are in great shape to talk about the problem that seems to be so annoying. You will be able to elicit your partner’s help in finding a solution you can both feel good about.

Going further

While relationships are often much more complicated than having to tolerate minor annoyances, you may find that by simply listening and developing a positive attitude you will have made a head start on effective couples communication. If you find these suggestions helpful and would like further consultation please give me a call.

Many couples I have worked with in the past have told me that they found these suggestions helpful. The secrets of active listening and attitude sound easy to do when you read about them, but they can be quite difficult and require a lot of effort. I would be very happy to assist you in getting started on your journey to better communication and greater happiness in your relationship.